"The guilt that I feel is the indication of the goodness and the perfection of where I stand because if it weren't like that, my deprivation of it wouldn't be there. "
I'm feeling a bit angry today. The anger still comes from needing to spend money for things I need like food and gas to get to work. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is working or not. I don't have any support from people in my life telling me it is. Probably because the result of what I working on are not manifesting yet. It's definitely a challenge to sit with your financial state when that state of borderline defeat lingers overhead.
I'm barely making enough money to care for myself. I owe people money and I think that is my biggest concern. It's the fact that I own people money. That weights heavy on my shoulders. I owe $100 to one friend, and $200 to another person I worked with last winter, and I'm behind on my cel phone bill and I'm maxed out on my credit card, thank God I only have one. And I owe 6 healing sessions to another friend who lent me $300. Since she's a senior, I change $50 a session. My plan is to give 4 people $50 each to show them I working towards paying them. I have money to cover my rent for next month, and a few dollars left for food and gas. And people think it's not stressful not having enough money. That is my victim story that I want to stay in because it makes be feel like I'm not worthy of a great life.
I've been tapping a lot on the topic of deserving. It must be shifting some blocks that I'm not aware of yet. Perhaps by writing down how I'm really feeling, will help uncover the deeper issues that are driving these feeling to the forefront. It seems I tend to want to complain about my situation more then I tend to look at the positive things I am doing. What tends to happen with me is that I don't realize I'm doing it , because I've been doing it for so many years that it feel normal for me. Shifting into feeling grateful is not a concept that I allow myself to adopt very often. Perhaps it's a state of emotion that I need to consider as a daily practice.
I'm $4500 in debt plus the friends I owe to. That's it. I'm so close to being debt free I can almost taste the freedom. If I can just keep my focus on achieving this freedom, I while have accomplished what most people are thriving for in this life. It seems foreign to me to be without debt.
So being grateful today means to me that I have a job, I'm strong enough to work at this job, I have a place to move to, I have the money to pay my next months rent, I have a few friends that are willing to help me move to my new place. I really need to go general with my thoughts. This helps me de-stress my current situation. When I'm over this hump of paying everybody I owe and can start focusing on the credit card debt I owe, It will boost my self confidence. It's the lack of self confidence in myself that I seem to be lacking at the moment. That I can change. I need to keep finding a way to accomplish effective results. Focusing on this will help build my self confidence
Your Money Trailblazer
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