Changing views

It has been an interesting week. I am now in the third session of my Landmark Sex and Intimacy seminar. It is shifting things in my life that I would have not imagined. From my landlady accusing me of having a sexual relationship because of the misinterpretation of the title of my seminar. This has caused me to look at my confrontational issues with people in authority that stem from my childhood years.

It is a real challenge for me to speak with people that I feel looks at me like I have less value in this world then they do. It's also disturbing to see people use tools to help them disguise their dark side by using tools in their lives to make people think they live in the light. I am seeing this with the landlady I live with

I cannot express the value I am  getting in this seminar . The insights I am seeing in myself regarding my perception and views on what I beleive is a true honest relationship that stems on integrity and honesty with another person is beyond measure. I have discovered my deep resignation towards ever being in another relationship. This holds me back from discovering my sexual feminine side that I have caged up for decades

I've also discovered some hope by sharing openly how I view men with my group call each week. We have three men in our group which was very intimidating to me. How am I going to be able to share openly with these men who are strangers and not feel judged. Well I was surprised to see how supportive they all were as I shared. They actually did understand why I would view men the way I do.

We cannot develop an emotional backbone with most men by pointing not providing a safe space for them to express their views on sex and intimacy. By sharing openly and listening unconditionally it allows them to see how why they have unfulling relationships with their patners . They say that sex is only 10 percent of a relationship. You could have great sex with each other and disagree on the other 90 percent of the relationship. If a relationship is build on the foundation of sex the integrity of the relatiinship will eventually desolve because there is no real room for growth.

So I am am hopeful that men are capable of having the courage to be brave and vulnerable in sharing intimately and having a deep conversation. This would be a huge shift on our planet.

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New Challenges Builds Growth

It has been too long since I last blogged. I apologize. I have been so busy with work and with my Landmark seminar. Plus new things that have surfaced since.

I am enjoying my seminar. It is shifting many new layers in my view on sex and intimacy. Since I have moved to my new place, just renting a room at this time, I am learning new things about the woman that I am renting from. 

Their are people in this world that try to prevent us from moving forward by playing this vital part in the system of my growth. Because I mentioned to her that I was in this siminar, I realize that might have been a mistake . Sometimes people react with their point of view on a topic that is not discussed openly because they might be in a different place in their lives and it will bring up some stuff for sure. 

I had asked my friend if she would be open to take her car and drive out to Banff so we could show my roommate before he heads back east. Well my intentions were good until my landlady found out that I had not invited her along. The sh_t hit the fan and she started accusing me of having sexual relations with my roommate. I was in disbelief as to how far she took the conversation. 

My life is my life. I don't believe I need to invite everybody into it. So what I saw in this process so far is that the anger that she felt had nothing to do with my not inviting her. She was angry before that and I just triggered something and I got the hit. 

When people react in this way, it's about them. They re-acted to what is happening in the moment because it triggered their stuff. It could have been that she felt left out, not fit in, rejected in some way. 

I strongly believe that this situation was divinely orchestrated to allow both of us to look at that part in ourselves that is screaming , " what's wrong with me? That I wasn't part of this adventure"

It will be interesting to see how this unfolds as I work on my issues around sex and intimacy. Her accusations have lead her to believe that " we" need to move in together as she doesn't rent out to couples. I'm feel disappointed by all of this. It seems that she is reflecting to me my trust issues are relationships. Something that I'm sure I will be looking at in my seminar.

This situation also challenges me with moy money situation since I'm finally almost caught up on everything. Moving would set me back again. Darn it!

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It's Blog-a -log time LOL Ya Think!

Boy is it a challenge to blog everyday. I have been very busy keeping up with my budget and trying to last till the following paycheck without going too far behind and needing to borrow any money from people. So far, I'm doing great.

I have one more $150 payment to get through with my credit card then that payment goes down to $75 until it is paid off. Wow. I also got some great news at work. My boss offered me a new position as a receptionist and I'm getting more hours, it's Monday to Friday and I get my weekends off.  I also do healing work and I got a new client to work with once a week which brings me an extra $50 a week.

Also I am starting my new seminar with Landmark this week on sex and intimacy. I am excited about learning what limiting beliefs I have around these topics. It will last ten weeks, three hours or more a week. The amount of coaching I get in these seminars is profound. So many insights into why I live the way I do and how I have total control to change it. That's the exciting part about it.

My next step is to work on saving some money. I did get some sad news last night, that my mom is in the hospital with kidney failure. And if she goes, it would set me back again if I have to fly down.
But I can't think of that right now.

I am so proud of myself for sticking with my daily budget book and taking the time to right down what it is that I spend my money on everyday. It takes me five minutes and just the act of doing this simple exercise begins to rebuild the muscle of integrity in system. By holding myself accountable for my actions, I make different choices that lead my life in a much more positive direction. There is hope.

Today I have to go up to my new job and get the key so I can open on Monday morning  I still have to work the late shift at my old job until he can find someone that want that shift. Then I will have my weekends off. I have about $60 left with my $50 session on Tuesday that will give me $110 till payday. I often wonder what the people of today are holding with no jobs. I am so grateful that I am working full time. But I also believe that I have  stuck to my intentions of staying focused and positive about getting my life back on track. And I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job, if I do say so myself.

No I'm not rolling in the dough yet, as some would say, but I do have the wealth of understanding that what I need to work on so that I can make life work for me. You have to start somewhere, and sometimes the best place to start is from the bottom. When your flat on your back, the only way is to look up. Life changes. Circumstances changes. There is always a way out of your suffering. This is what gives us the power to learn new things about life. Walking towards this freedom to prosperity is a daily task. When you hear people say, it's hard work, they are not talking physically, they are talking mentally, emotionally, it is hard work. Because you must change the way you do things if you what things to change. There is no other way. People who work hard for a living, is living hard at work.

So that's my speel for today, will try to get back on writing track.

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I'm on my way to Financial Freedom

Well it has been a few interesting days. I have two more paychecks to go through with getting my credit card up to date. I have recently learned that my credit card company has closed my account and have taken off the interest that I need to pay. If I miss a payment, my account goes to the credit bureau and I will have an R9 record. I am planning to pay this off so that I don't get this rating on my credit score.

When I have the last two $150 paid up to get me up to date with my payments, I will only have to pay $75 per month as payment. I have another prepaid credit card that can hold up to ten thousand dollars, so my plan is to keep doing the $150 per month but split it in two and pay one on each credit card. This way I an paying off my credit card and saving money on my other credit card. I am looking forward to this day. Sept 1 will be the last payment on what I owe. My boss also told me yesterday that he is changing our pay structure to instead of being paid on the first and the fifteenth. We will be paid direct deposit and paid every two weeks. I like this pay structure better.

When we get paid direct deposit, that means I will have at least an extra $50 a month to play with instead of paying Money Mart to cash my checks. I can buy gift cards at my workplace and keep them as a contingency fund when I need money for something. It has been such a long time since I have felt this good about where I'm at in my finances. The job is working out great so far. I'm not making a tin of money , but it is paying my bills, and that is important to me. When I owe people money, I don't have a good feeling inside.

I found a great place to walk the other day to get my mind off things, like living in the city. I such a country girl. I sat by the water for two hours and it felt so close to being at home. I miss seeing my family and they miss seeing me. I just haven't had the chance to get my finances together enough to go home for a visit. It's been almost 7 years. I have to save around a thousand dollars just to cover my bills, and then I have the cost of the flight that my mom said she would pay. Living with them for five days would be enough to handle. Plus I would need a car to get away when I need to.

So today I have sixty dollars left till Monday when we get paid. I have to pay my cel phone bill $106, my credit card $150 and my rent $450 plus I owe money to Noor still but I'm only sending her what I can. I also might have a healing session with my old landlady so that means I can make $60 there, And I was suppose to get a call for two house cleaning of $50 each which I haven't heard of yet.

I wish I could get my business going too. That would bring in a few dollars each month. If your interested in starting a great part-time business, you can look at my website. It is really taking off and it's a great way to make extra money. You can also order product without joining the business if you'd just like to try it or sell to your friends and family. www.aseachar.teamasea.com is my website


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M

Counting the days

I am counting the days till next payday. I went to my bank and found out that it didn't cost me nearly as much as I thought it would. So I have to be careful where I spend my money still, because I'm getting a bit less hours this week at work then last week. Instead of going into work on a few days a 10 am , I only go in at 11 am. A few hours makes a difference. But I have something to look forward to this October. The minimum wage is going from eleven dollars an hour to twelve dollars. So I will get a fifty cent raise for sure. But a dollar would be nice.

Money. It is such a huge stress in our daily lives. I see people at work spend so much money on lottery tickets, it almost makes me sick. People wasting money like that just to hope they win something. I buy tickets too, but I spend maybe five dollars when the jackpot is really big. Even if I won a couple of thousand would change my life. I don't waste all my paycheck on one lottery.

How do you stay motivated around wnating to save money? I feel like the harder I try not to spend..the more I want to stay home and do nothing cause the monute I go out...I have to look at spending money on something.

What if I chose not to spend any money today? I wish I had some support of somekind to guide me and encourage me to keep going forward. I just wonder sometimes if it's worth the effort of saving your money at all.


I keep adding meaning to money. Why do I do that? I attach meaning to money when I believe that I get value out of money for something that is significant on my life. And when I do this..it creates inner tension because I can't relax when I think about money. I live in constant fear of not having enough. So it's the fear that drives money away. Need to tap on this more.


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Getting out of the Payday rat race

My goal is to get out of this payday to payday rat race. Today I get paid for 86 hours at $11.50 an hour. I have to pay my vehicle insurance, $180, my credit card $75, Money Mart $150, my co-worker $100, probably an overdraft on my bank account $40, Money mart for cashing my check $35 that totals to $580. Assuming my check is $850 that leaves me $270 I still owe on my cel phone and a friend that I borrowed $200 from this spring that I have not been able to pay.

So this is the amount I have left for till August 15. So I will put $50 on my cel phone and $20 to my friend. This way everybody gets money. Perhaps I can even buy some yarn to keep me busy till next payday. I'm waiting for my co-worker to call me to tell me that I can go pick up my check. I have maybe two dollars in my purse left.

So I didn't get my check and now I'm looking at paying late fees to my bank because my vehicle insurance come out on the third. I had changed the date specifically on the third because I knew that I was paid on the first. But my boss took off for the long weekend and I find out that the hours were just send to the accountant today. I have ten cents to my name. It is time I figure out how to get out of this mess. I had a chat last night with a friend and he said to me that money causes more stress then it's worth. I felt defeated and discouraged. Here I am working 8 hours a day with no breaks for $11,50 an hour, just to give all my money to other people. Because I only have enough left over for food and gas to keep me going till next payday.

I think about saving five dollars every paycheck again and I know it adds up eventually. If I manage the money I have, I'll have more money to manage. It just seems like a pattern keeps repeating itself. As soon as I get ahead a bit, I get a set back. I have to pay late fees that I had not planned on paying if my paycheck had been on time. I am paying a NSF charge with Money Mart because when I borrowed the money on the 26, they had to get the payment on the 29 because Aug 1 was on monday which happened to fall on the holiday. so now I have to pay them $147 plus $25 for late fees, plus the overdraft charge at the bank on that payment that didn't go through plus the late charge for my insurance not going through which is another $25 plus the bank charge overdraft which is probably $45. And probably another overdraft charge on the Money Mart check that didn't go through.

It's no wonder people commit suicide. LOL How can people pick themselves up when they feel it is hopeless to even try. But I'm not like that, I am stepping up the plate, and have looked at readjusting my budget again, for the fourth time to see if I can make this work. I don't give up easily, that for sure. I believe that there is always a way. So I'll have to stay home for the next two weeks again, oh well. It could be worse. I'll buy a ball of yarn a crochet myself something. I can visit the park that is only a mile away to get away from the stress I feel. It could be worse. Finally get paid today.


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Pay Day finally

Well I have made it to my next payday...I was trying to not stress myself too much and it wasn't easy. Yesterday, I realized that I had to take out $100 from my rent money to pay for my vehicle plates which were due July 31. I also was hoping that I would be paid August 1 so that I could replace the money I took for my rent, in time to pay my landlady. If I didn't get my plates, I would be risking driving without a registered vehicle and taking a risk not to get involved in an accident. That was not worth taking a risk for $100.

I decided to take the chance that my landlady would be understanding. This was the last financial hurdle to complete. So I went ahead and paid for my plates. Then at work, I was talking to my co-worker about what I had to juggle my money around, and he offered to lend me $100 till Monday. I said yes to the loan. So that is covered and I don't have to worry about explaining to my landlady about my situation.

I did have to go to Money Mart to borrow a $120 loan until payday cause I was temporary out of cash. As I was reviewing my contact, it shows that I'm to repay the loan on July 29. I remember telling her that I was paid on August 1. Assuming she had heard me correctly, I didn't pay attention to the due date on my contract and it does say July 29. So today I have to go back to this place, and see what she says about this. I'm not willing to pay for two days interests what I told her that I was coming in to may on August 1. If this is the game they play with people, it will be the last time I deal with them for sure.

So I have to see how this turns out and I will go and visit them on my way to Staples to print out my songs that I wrote for our practice today. I am excited for this month as I begin a 10 week seminar on Sex and Intimacy with Landmark. It will be interesting to see what will come up this time around. Taking the course with no partner might be better because I think I will be more open with myself then if I had someone in my life. So that's all for today.



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